Some
Personal Reflections
The time
is now 5:30 a.m. on Friday morning Aug 23, 2013. I have been awake for about an hour and after
laying in bed developing pages upon pages of thoughts in my mind, I finally
decided to get up and put a few of these thoughts onto paper. With a cup of coffee at my right hand and the
household still fast asleep, I am finally able to be by myself for a short
time, to think and just be, luxuriating in alone time after arriving this past
Monday evening to my mother’s hospital bedside where family was assembled to be
with mom as she eventually passed from this life into the next this past
Wednesday evening. There has been so much hubbub going on since
that point of mom’s departure that this is the first quiet time (awake) that I
have had and at present, bathing in as a child does in a bubble bath.
The
thoughts that I awoke to this morning were of course centering on my mom, her
life, the life events and people that I grew up around, as well as the
community that helped form who I am, how I view life, and how I live out my
life because of these influence. As I
was laying in my bed thinking about all of these things, I decided I really
needed to pen a few of these reflections, which I may or may not share in the
future. I found the “pastor” or
“professional” me developing a sermon which in its basic form is only a way of
reflecting upon life and the relationship between God and Humanity (or myself
specifically.) As the old saying goes, you
can take the boy out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the
boy. So I am going to attempt to record
some of these early morning thoughts as a way of helping me process the deep,
deep impact that my mother Bonnie Neal Wohlford Mitchell Nichols has had on my
life.
One of the
basic truths in my development was to understand “life” as something that “one”
can/should learn from; that there is a purpose for all events. This is of course one of the ultimate teaches
that one learns through the Bible, but it was always taught to me from almost
every family member that preceded me.
The Apostle Paul penned this reality as, “All things work to the good
and glory of God.” What this means in my
family is that no matter how hard or dark life gets, you can find good out of
it if you just look hard enough. Is this
the generation of Depression Era babies thinking? Possibly, but it was a basic understanding of
life that my mother taught me and my siblings.
It was vocalized by mom’s mother as well as my great aunts and uncles,
and you read the same teaching in the Hebrew Scriptures specifically out of the
book of Ecclesiastes.
Another
thought that I awoke with this morning is just how “tribal” we as humans
are. Those patriarch and matriarchs who
settled in what I call my hometown Kingman Kansas planted seeds so deep that
even though most of the family no longer lives specifically in that community,
changing life events always draw up back; usually through a death in the
family. Even for those of the family who
were never raised in Kingman, find themselves drawn back. I know that this will eventually fade as
generations further from the original planters loose that connection, but for
me, my reality is, the family continually draws together for support of one
another from time to time, even if there is no contact between those times.
These past
couple of days staying at my sister Sandy’s house, I have once again had the
opportunity to enjoy the company of my two nieces, Lindsey and Tandi. I have spent most of their lives living in
distant parts of the country, missing out on watching them grow into
adults. Yet at times like these as we
sit with one another in general conversation the family albums find their way
off the shelves and into our hands allowing us to remember some of the highlights
within our lives. It is through these
“family” albums that Sandy’s girls are able to remember how the larger family
connected as they were growing up. If we
were all meeting at my house and my family albums were to appear, they would
see some of the same pictures as what is in their mothers albums, as well as
some other events recorded on film that would again broaden their understanding
of how the fabric of our family is woven.
This
coming Monday, as we hold the memorial for mom in our tribal community of
origin, there will be not just family members gathering but also people who had
important roles in mom’s life. People
like Bob and Laverne Grey who were close childhood friends; people who have
children that I grew up with as well; people who are not just instrumental in
the early life of my parents, but also impacted my life, folks that I don’t see
very often. I am reminded of one event
many years ago when my sister, me, and our aunt Elsie were eating lunch in one
of the local Kingman café, when an elderly man walked up to our table and asked
if we were not “Bonnie and Virgil’s children, as he thought he recognized
us”. It was Bob Grey our dad’s childhood
buddy of whom we had not seen in over thirty some odd years. I have multiple photographs of he, mom, dad,
Laverne and two other couples who all hung out together as close friends. Now there is only Bob and Laverne and Katie
left of that group, with the first passing on over 50 years ago.
Another
truth that my mom taught me was “to put my faith in the Lord. No matter what life may bring, God is there
for you, supplying you with what you need.
You may not get what you want, but God will make sure you receive what
you need!” Well, that opens things up to
a whole host of things from basic food and shelter to discipline. As I share reflections each week to the
congregations that I have served, I am amazed at how often something mom has
brought to light comes into my thoughts on almost any topic. I guess the reality is, that my congregation
not only hears what God might have said on a subject, or how I interpret what
has been recorded in scripture, but they also get some of “mom’s” understanding
of how God works in our lives as well.
I so often
find it interesting that the “church” struggles with the popular phrase, “I’m
spiritual, but not religious.” The
reality of the matter is, I was raised by that motto. Most of my extended family never really found
church communities as a viable environment to live out their faith, yet the
understanding that God exists, that God will judge your actions based on how
you treat your fellow human beings, that God walks beside you are all building
blocks that I was raised with. There was
never any direct quotes from the Bible to substantiate these teachings, but
presented as if Moses himself had brought these down from the mountain top
directly given by God – also known as “commandments.” I watched my mother curve her needs and
desires to those of others (whether they were good or bad) because of this type
of understanding that God is the ultimate judge of each person’s actions. We are not to judge a person’s motive, just
respond to it the best we can and let that motive be between God and that
person. It plays a huge part in my life
when a person comes asking help from the church. I find that I do not question the sincerity
of the request, or judge “if they would only do this then they wouldn’t be in
this position”, I just accept that request for what it is, “a need for help at
that moment.”
My mom
also taught me that “life isn’t meant to be easy”. In a society that preaches a “name it and
claim it”, or “I deserve this” type of teaching, or “if you have enough faith
in God, God will give you riches and a pain free life” she saw this as
non-truth. To mom, struggles in life
were what build’s the character of a person, like exercising at the gym, to
build your muscles, God somehow presented the opportunities for us to struggle
in our own way the areas of our lives that needed to be buildup. As an old Jewish saying presented in “Fiddler
On the Roof” : Lord I know you love me, but couldn’t you just love me a little less?
I am
reminded of so many times when mom would struggle to make ends meet and feel
total despair, yet somehow rally with the confidence that God was with her in
those times and would help pull her through them. It wasn’t that God would magically throw
money down from Heaven to resolve the problem, no that wasn’t what God was
about, but rather God was there walking through this mess with you and helping
you solve whatever situation you found yourself in. God never provided hardship or pain as some
faith communities like to believe, but God was always there holding onto your
hand, somehow providing guidance and bringing that inner strength that is deep
within you to rise to the occasion to meet whatever life throws at you.
One last
thing that comes to my mind as I wind down this two hour period of silent
reflection (people are starting to wake up), that of “unconditional love” that
mom taught and modeled. This is probably
the second most important lesson that she taught me and possibly the greatest
gift given to me other than my life itself.
Unconditional – wow, what a word.
It so totally encompasses my mother and who she was. The church throws that word and concept
around on one side of its mouth while at the same time speaking judgments and
presenting expectations in order to “be” accepted into the family.
While I
was growing up, I was told by both mom and dad, that if I ever got into
trouble, they would be there to stand beside me, whether I was in the right or
in the wrong, but that if I were wrong, I would have to accept my punishment,
but if I was being wronged, they would fight tooth and nail for my defense. Maybe every parent says this, I don’t know,
but what I do know is that mom had unconditional love for her family. This was most evident to me as each of her
three biological children came out as “gay” to her. When many parents disowned their children
because of this, mom never wavered in her love for us.
I started
these reflections with the observation about the importance or possibly the
reality of being “tribal”. Many of these
basic things that I have learned from mom are not what mom developed in a
vacuum, but rather are “tribal” truths that she brought to the table from her
mother and father, aunts and uncles. The
“commandments” that I was raised with really are teachings – laws if you will,
of much of my family who has preceded my mother and father. There is a circle of life, we are not
individuals that live in isolation, but members of a much larger community,
often referred to as family, but even larger than that. And yet, it always comes back to the one on
one relationships and from the perspective as a son or child, that relationship
is most basic between our parent. Often
when I am speaking to someone or just doing head conversations with myself, I
will make a statement and realize to myself, “I sound just like mom.” Not just in thought but in the intonation, tenor,
and inflection! It’s a frighten
realization to think that I am so much like my mother, and yet I cannot think
of another person that I would most be proud to be compared to than that of my
mom! Mom, you have given me not only
life, but a myriad of truths that are the foundational blocks that I live my
life by – good and bad alike, thank you from the bottom of my soul for all of the
shared events, the instructions, and the love and support that you have given me,
my brother and my sister, and to all those that call you friend.
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