The Ten Words from
God pt 6:
Sex and the Married
Person
By Rev Steven R
Mitchell
Mountain View
United Church, Aurora, CO 1/25/2015
Based on Exodus
20:14 and Proverbs 6:20-35
“you shall not
commit Adultery”
(standing in pulpit with a paper grocery
bag over my head with cut-outs for my eyes and mouth – the likeness of the
Unknown Comic of the 1970’s)
Does
anyone know who I am representing? Yes
that is correct, the unknown comic. For
those of you who are not familiar with him, he would come out on stage and
deliver a great monologue of jokes wearing a paper sack over his head so no one
knew what he looked like. I often
wondered if this was just a gimmick or did it allow the anonymity he needed in
order to have the freedom to tell his jokes?
While
studying Wisdom Literature in Seminary, I was required to give a report on the
Song of Solomon, chosen by the professor, who also happened to be the Dean of
Students. Just before my presentation one
of my fellow students handed me a cartoon that showed a picture of a husband
and wife sitting out in the congregation.
The pastor was in the pulpit wearing a paper sack over his head. The caption had the wife saying to the
husband, “The sermon must be on the Song of Solomon.” There were six of us students giving reports
on this particular book. The other five
students gave a summation of this book of poetry being a metaphor about the
relationship between Christ and the Church.
A widely held stance back in the 1980’s by traditional theologians. I summarized this beautiful writing as being
pornographic writing about a man and his beloved, hence the cartoon of the
minister wearing a paper bag over his head.
Even though I seemed out of step with my fellow students, the Dean was
totally supportive of my conclusions. The
fact of the matter being, discussions around sexuality is not just very
uncomfortable in our society, but is almost a forbidden topic from the pulpit
A few weeks ago, I
received a letter from a man who lives down in Parker, CO. In this letter, I as the pastor and you as
the congregation were being chastised not only for our open stance on
“homosexuality”, but also for the fact that in our website we do not speak
specifically about the need to repent from sinful acts. By his estimation we basically ignore the
warnings that God has given us through the scriptures. What
he was pointing out is most certainly true from his point of view and
understanding. Even though as a formal
stance of not taking the scripture literally, we do however, take the
scriptures seriously – so seriously do I take the scriptures that I tend to
tread in areas that are spoken and addressed in scripture but often are not
spoken in public from the pulpit, such as “sexuality.” So this morning, I once again find myself
speaking about a topic that definitely is uncomfortable for me in a public
forum, but done so because I do take scripture seriously.
“You
shall not commit Adultery”, so what is adultery? How we generally understand adultery is not
how it was understood when this document in Exodus was written. Let me ask those of you who are married [For
those of us who are in same-sex marriages, don’t get upset, because 3,000 years
ago, marriage was pretty much only between a man and a woman.], “How many of you were pronounced: man and
wife? How many of you were pronounced:
husband and wife?” Does anyone know
what the difference might be between these two pronouncements? Also, can anyone tell me why the minister
used to ask the question: Is there anyone
who knows why these two shall not be married? If so speak now or forever hold
their peace?
In the pronouncing
of “man and wife” it is supporting the understanding that the woman once
married, belonged to whomever she was marrying off to. She was nothing more than property. The reason why the minister asked the
question about anyone knowing any reason that the bride should not be given to
the groom was a legal question, dealing about proper ownership. In other words, was this piece of property
legally available to be owned by the groom? We as a society have moved beyond this concept
of marriage. In general, two people do
not marry out of family arrangements, for political alliance, or protection of
property, or inheritance, but we marry out of love. No longer do we view the woman as a man’s
property, although many men may feel that once married, they own their
spouse. This is the reason why most
wedding ceremony pronounce the married couple as “husband and wife” and few
ministers asks the question “for reasons not to be married.”
Coming back to the
original question about how is adultery defined – up until the change of the
reason for married, when women were viewed as property, the definition of
adultery, was a man having sexual relations with a married woman who was not
his wife. A man could have sexual
relationships with an unmarried woman and that would not be considered “adultery”. In fact, from a historical stance, men were
allowed to have sexual relationships with any unmarried woman. Fornication is sexual relationships outside
of the marriage bond, between a man and a woman, the man did not have to be
single, but the woman could not be married, for if she was, that constituted
adultery. Adultery then, was a violation
against a man’s property; a taking of another man’s property – punishable by
death.
Well that was then
and this is now. Now we understand
adultery in a much broader way. I
remember my mother telling me that from a biblical stance, she was an
adulterer, because she had been married, divorced and then married to a second
man. My son does not allow his mother
and her husband to stay overnight in his home because of his definition of
adultery. So, if we don’t take the bible
literally but do take it seriously, how are we to understand and define
adultery?
It definitely
focuses around sexual relationships, but I think it goes much deep and involves
the concept of commitment, not just
to the one that we have pledged our life to, but to the larger community. This commitment might include children born
in a marriage, there are the extended family members, even others outside of
family, such as a church community if that couple belong to a faith community,
it even affects the social fabric of the community in which we live, even if we
do not know these people directly.
I remember a
conversation I had with a man that I dated many years ago, who was a former Top
Gun pilot in the Navy. He was at that time
in the reserves and had been on training in Japan. Up to that point he had never been inclined
to see marriage or a formalized commitment in any form as anything but
restrictive. He told me that while
coming home, for the first time, knowing that there was someone waiting at the
airport for his return that he could understand the excitement that those
married men had and that he finally realized an actual freedom that comes in a
committed relationship.
That
is the foundation for any relationship – the freedom to grow. Marriage
is a relationship that goes beyond sex into the realm of intimacy. Intimacy is that state of being vulnerable
enough that allows you to grow. This
vulnerability can only be cultivated in the safety of commitment. When we think in terms of what adultery does
to a relationship – adultery is seldom
what really destroys a relationship, but rather signals that the relationship
has already deteriorated.
What does intimacy in a relationship take? It takes time, patience, trust, honesty,
forgiveness, and emotional stability.
All of this takes surrender to the process of growth – individually and
as a couple. I think this is why our hearts are warmed
whenever we see a couple who are in their 70’s or 80’s walking together down a
street holding hands. It reminds us of
the beauty that commitment to one another brings. Not just companionship, but of true intimacy.
And
here is the kicker - Sister Joan Chittister says: Love that lasts, that invests itself in the welfare of another, is the
only human proof we have of the nature of the God who is “with us all days,”
who is constant and whose constancy we can count on. “You shall not commit adultery” is the word
that calls us to truly care about the people we say we love. Not to use them. Not to exploit them. Not to ignore them. Not to patronize them. Not to manipulate them for the sake of our
own satisfaction. People are not toys or
trophies to be collected and abandoned.
The people we love are those to whom we commit our lives, entrust our
futures, and share ourselves so that both we and they – they and we – can grow
into fully loving people. In this
relationship, two equals are meant to become more together than they ever could
be alone. That is the intimacy that
cannot be compromised – that cannot be abused – if we ourselves are, as the
Hebrews knew in their eternal contract with one another, ever really to become
whole. Pg 78-80, The Ten Commandments: Laws
of the Heart, Sister Joan Chittister I also believe it to translate into our
spiritual lives with God. Do we look at
God as owning us, or do we look at God as being a partner? When we see God as our partner in life, the
intimacy that can develop as two equals means becoming more together than we
could ever by alone. Amen
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